this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
