So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
