she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
