so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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