He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize