I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm like, not good at living.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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