apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
