Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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