He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
