i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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