we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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