I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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