I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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