Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
