Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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