At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
