A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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