Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
