be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize