where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
