an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
