Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize