sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
