So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
