The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
