someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
