I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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