I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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