one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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