Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
