I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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