I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
