Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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