dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize