yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
