That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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