I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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