I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He? As in you personified your dick?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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