3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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