I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
