Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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