Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
