I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
