I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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