The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
