the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
