nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My cat gives me a boner
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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