Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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