he wants to bone in the snuggie
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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