i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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