what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize