the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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