My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
