a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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