Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
