My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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