Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
