perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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