I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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