hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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