I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
