Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
