just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
