New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
