I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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