my vag is so smooth its legendary
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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